The particulars of this mission briefing should be fairly self-explanatory. The mission was carried out today at 1600 hours.

Greetings, Sirs.

I just received an e-mail from DePaul’s president, Rev. Dennis H. Holtschneider. In this letter, Rev. Holtschneider describes how your organization was recently censured and subjected to sanctions for a free speech activity that the school’s hierarchy apparently found to be insufficiently politically correct.

Holding an “affirmative action bake sale,” with different item prices for people of different ethnicities, sounded like an hilarious way to poke fun at what you rightfully perceived to be the unfairness of a system of quotas that offers financial rewards to some students based on the alleged suffering and institutional bias faced by their dead ancestors.

The university’s means of punishing your free speech– using the “rule of law” as an end-around past the very spirit of the First Amendment– was questionable at best, cowardly at worst.

With this travesty in mind, I have an idea that might just help your organization show the University of DePaul the true meanings of free speech, leadership, and patriotism. I suggest you invite Army, Navy, and Marine recruiters to the campus, and allow them to explain to the student body the numerous opportunities these branches of our Armed Forces have to offer to enthusiastic and capable young people of all ethnicities.

Just to demonstrate– once and for all– to the school’s hierarchy that the DePaul Conservative Alliance is more than just a bunch of over privileged, smirking, self-serving, sucker-punching, hypocritical, and cowardly young imperialist sycophants, you could all make a public show of being the first among your peers to sign up for noble military service to our country in its time of need.

I welcome any feedback you may have regarding this concept, and I wish you all godspeed.


Your fellow DePaul student, Church Secretary

One comment on “

  1. Cynthia says:

    Wait, I did my undergrad at DePaul. You mean to tell me they had the nerves to do this. This is BS. This is part of that relative morality that they extend to us. They are not getting rid of their good ole boys network now are they. Doesn’t this provide an unfair advantage and it is not based on merit. So much hypocrisy with these conservatives.

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